The Devil's Equal
by polysgirl
Summary: A satire. All characters OOC, except the red lamborghini. Features sex with both men, at different times. Just for fun!


WARNING: SATIRE!!! Sexual references. This story is 100 OOC. It's all for fun.

**THE DEVIL'S EQUAL**

She climbed out of the dumpster and stared down at her person for a long moment, before gingerly taking the used, ground covered coffee filter between her thumbnail and forefinger nail, plucking it from the front of her shirt, and flinging it aside. Once again, her day was going to hell in a hand basket. As was she. The life of Stephanie Plum never ran smoothly, and this day was no exception. The ride was likely to get rougher for her, however, as the Saint himself made his approach, resignation written upon his features.

Saint Morelli swaggered over to Stephanie, wearing his usual uniform. The aura around him shone brightly, bathing him in golden light, and Stephanie glanced away as if it hurt her eyes to see him. The sheet wrapped around his loins gleamed and his rock hard pecs shone as brightly as the halo on his head and the winged-necklace around his neck. In his hand, he carried that which cured all.

"Holy water to cleanse you." He said on a sigh, as he held out the bottle clearly marked Corona towards Stephanie. He scanned her body with his eyes, and it was obviously to even the most innocent bystander that he was taking stock of the latest damages. "We're starting to do this far too often."

"Agreed." Stephanie huffed as she flicked an orange peel off of her shoulder. She accepted the beer and downed it in two swallows, handing the empty back to him. "Thanks, Joe. Got another one?"

"Holy water should..."

"Yeah Yeah Yeah. Be drank with reverence and not chugged. Been there, heard that. Got another one?" It was obviously that Stephanie had been lectured on proper technique more than once. It was also obvious that she didn't much care, and that her irreverent streak was coming out in spades, this day. It didn't bode well for her when this streak did make its appearance, as it usually meant the devil was near. And indeed, he was striding towards her with single-minded purpose. Stephanie caught his eyes, then brought her attention back to Saint Joe and snatched the second Corona out of his hand, chugging it quickly and tossing the empty aside. The devil continued his steady approach.

Ranger Manoso was the devil, in every sense of the word. Dressed head to toe in fire-engine red leather, he was deliciously dangerous and sinfully delicious. And things always, always overheated when he was around. Indeed, Saint Morelli was already simmering, rapidly approaching a full boil.

"Yo, Babe. You get any hotter you'll overcook those noodles." He said, picking a noodle out of her hair and flinging it aside. The Saint vibrated with un-released rage. His wings twitched uncontrollably, catching the devil's gleaming eye. "Might want to get those fixed, Sainted one."

Morelli let a low rumbling growl slip. The devil turned his attention back to Stephanie. "You need anything?"

"Not right now. I'm good." Stephanie answered, with a wary eye trained on Saint Joe. She knew, without a doubt, that it was never a good idea to accept anything from the devil unless a body was desperate...like...if they had a body to hide. Everything bestowed upon her by the devil came with strings attached, strings she could not cut. Everything had a price. And she still wasn't one hundred percent sure she intended to pay.

The devil raised one eyebrow at her, and flashed his stunningly sexy grin. It blinded her momentarily, and when her sight returned she was staring at a sleek red Lamborghini. "Sure you don't need wheels?" He asked, as her little beater of a Toyota burst into flames.

"I liked that truck." She sighed, eyeing the keys that swung from the devil's outstretched forefinger.

"You know you want it." Ranger smirked. Her eyes followed the swinging keys hypnotically.

"Lamborghini..." She breathed, reaching, reaching. Her fingers closed around the keys and heat zinged through her hand. Ohhh...the price was going to be high for this one. And if she paid it... she knew she would never, ever turn back. If she could, she thought maybe she would. But it was too late. She'd touched the keys, and the devil withdrew his hand, his eyes darkening to black, while his body shimmered with red fire.

"That'll be on a payment plan." He whispered, his heated breath blowing in her ear. When had he gotten that close? She wasn't sure. His tongue traced the shell of her ear, turning her insides to liquid fire and soaking her unmentionables; and then he was gone, staring at her from two feet back. Saint Morelli popped a top and chugged his own bottle of holy water.

"Why can't I just pay it off in one shot?" She asked. Self-preservation at it's finest, she thought on an inward sigh. She doubted she'd like his answer.

"You wouldn't survive one shot."

Holy Torpedo's. That wasn't what she wanted to hear. Being forever-indebted to the devil was definitely NOT a wise place to be. His form of payment plans were real, and primal, and they made her crave dangerous, devilish things. But the Lamborghini called to her, and before she could summon up the strength of will to give it back, Ranger stepped back, and vanished in a cloud of black.

"You did not just accept that." Saint Morelli stared at Stephanie, who in turn was staring at the keys.

"I didn't just agree to..." She mused, then looked up at the Saint. "Yeah...I think..maybe..I did."

"You need cleansing." Saint Joe said curtly.

"Sure." She held out her hand, awaiting another bottle of the holy water. It was good stuff.

"No. A full body cleansing. The boys will take care of you."

Ahhhh...the boys. Her body was still desperate for the release the devil promised...and the Saint was almost as good at providing it. The boys could be put to good use. She smiled at him, and held her hand out. "Cleanse me."

The Saint's features softened, and he smiled at her. "Always knew you preferred me. Cupcake, you're too sweet to be in league with the devil." And with that, he took her hand and suddenly they were flying through the air. They landed laughing, hand in hand on the Saint's super-soft bed. Tufts of white cloud burst from it, before landing back in their places, fluffing and pillowing their bodies, surrounding them. Their clothing dissolved, and he was inside of her before she could even gasp.

Making love with Saint Joe was truly heavenly, she mused afterwards, tucked under his arm. It was like floating on a cloud...of course...they were. Afterwards, her clothes, freshly cleaned and smelling like sunshine and a fresh summer breeze, slid back onto her body.

"I have to get back to my duties." Saint Morelli told her, kissing her softly. He deposited her gently back on the ground, beside the Lamborghini. He shot the car a final glance. "Don't let him tempt you, Cupcake. I am your salvation."

And he handed her one more bottle of Holy Water, then disappeared in a shimmer of gold.

With a shrug, Stephanie popped the top off of the holy water and downed it in two swallows. She wiped her mouth on her sleeve, and hopped up onto the hood of the Lamborghini. Nothing beat a good bottle of Holy Water, she thought as she chucked the bottle over her shoulder. It hit the dumpster and smashed, crashing as it shattered into hundreds of tiny pieces. She felt Saint Morelli wince, even from his distant location. He always knew.

But when the cat's away, the mouse always plays. She couldn't help the wide smile that spread across her face as ran her hand over the Lamborghini. She hopped off and sauntered over to the driver's door, and trailed her fingers along the door handle. Oh yeah. Even a nun would have to be dead not to appreciate this baby...and it was all hers... Price be damned, it would be worth it for one drive... Just one...

Surely it wouldn't hurt...

She would claim it just 'happened,' that her body acted independently of her mind. That should appease Saint Joe, or at least send him after the devil. Ranger could definitely hold his own. She slid into the Lamborghini and sank into the seat. It was like being wrapped in hot satin, she mused as she leaned back and savored the sensation. And then, she turned the key, and the engine began to purr.

Ahhhh... This was even better than the Saint's bed of clouds. The steering wheel hummed under her fingertips, and the car pulsated in time with her heartbeat. She carefully eased it out of the parking lot, and merged into traffic. The car drove effortlessly, it's steering and acceleration as smooth as silk. Ohhhh, the feel of this car, she thought as a smile spread across her face. This was the life. She drove until she was out of the city, and when she reached open highway, she opened the throttle and let the car fly.

When she finally pulled back into the outskirts of the city, she dug around for her phone, flipped it out, and hit speed dial 1.

"You look like liquid sex in that car, Babe." The devil answered on the first ring, forgoing his customary greeting. She shivered as heat shot through her body at his words. He WAS liquid sex, and the dangerous part was, he knew it, and he knew how to use it to enslave her. So far, she'd resisted being enslaved; fear of what would happen to her if she did. Her mother always told her her ... would disappear if she let herself be tempted by beings not of heavenly descent, and she was rather partial to the pleasure having that particular body part could bring. It was becoming rapidly harder, though, she thought. She yearned for adventure, for the warmth of the devil's lair.

Oh, the Saint should have been good enough...but the good boys get boring. "The car's amazing." She told the devil. A light flashed, and the next thing she knew, he was sitting beside her in the Lamborghini.

"I can think of something more amazing." He told her, reaching out and trailing a finger down her cheek. Her face burned where he touched her, a good burn, one that made her insides liquify, and ache for more. "You owe me something more amazing. Payment."

Oh boooyyy.. suddenly, the relief the Saint had provided earlier was gone. All she could think of was a sinful, devil-induced orgasm. Her body throbbed in anticipation.

"Just how long will this payment take?" She asked, her voice cracking as her body begged for the release it craved.

"Indefinitely." His grin widened.

She parked the Lamborghini and shut it off, turning to the devil. "Right here? We can christen the car."

"No way. I have 1600 thread count sheets calling your name, Babe. The car can wait." Oh yeah, she knew just how those sheets felt. And they felt even better when they were wrapped around the Devil's deliciously naked body...or was that nakedly delicious body? She could never remember the order of words, when he was around.

Just as the Devil was about to transport her away, the Saint materialized in front of the car. "I can't leave you alone for two minutes!" He shouted, throwing up his hands.

"I couldn't help myself." She told him, shrugging. "This car's amazing."

"Babe." The devil said, and then he disappeared in a wisp of flames. She turned back to the Saint.

"You need cleansing." He told her, his voice short. She snagged the Corona out of his hands and downed it, ignoring his disapproving glance. She tossed the empty over her shoulder, and shrugged.

"All the holy water in the world can't cleanse me." She told him. "It's just not doing it. My sugar-n-sweet supply musta run out." And then she looked to the south and hollered "I'm ready!"

A flash of blue flame burst around her and whisked her away, leaving a frustrated Saint standing, hands clenched, by the fire-engine red Lamborghini. Seconds later, she spiraled down, and found herself falling, down into the bowels of hell, where flames licked the wall, just out of reach of the devil's phenomenal black bed. The devil was sprawled, naked in the middle of the bed, and his eyes flashed as she landed by his feet.

"Heaven was boring." She told him. "All those harps. And the cream cheese was making me fat."

"Come here." He commanded, his voice dark and sensual, filtering around her like the richest chocolate.

"I get to drive," She said, as she crawled up his body, the searing heat he emanated wrapping around her as she did. "The Saint never lets me drive."

"You're hell on wheels, Babe." The devil rasped as she reached behind her and wrapped her hand around his stick shift. "The Saint risks car-heaven if you drive."

"And you don't?" She asked, raising one eyebrow and squeezing him.

"I'm indestructible." He said, finishing on a groan. And then he moved, lithe like a cat, and flipped them. "You can drive next time. This time, I'm too hot to handle."

"I can handle you." She started on a laugh, but finished on a gasp as he invaded her body, and her senses, driving her higher and higher, until she forgot that such a thing as heaven ever existed.

A long while later, as she gasped for breath, she tilted her head and surveyed the devil. "That pay off the Lamborghini?"

"You're going to be paying off the Lamborghini for the rest of your life." He told her, his body hardening instantly, despite the earth shattering release they'd experienced only minutes before. "You're not getting out of anything that easily."

"Good, because I'd really hate to think that you're getting the better end of the deal." She grinned, and bent her head to him as the fires whisked around them, closing in until they were bathed in flame, floating on it, connected eternally by something far greater than Corona and clouds. When she couldn't stand it anymore, she fisted her hands in his hair, and lowered herself onto him. No sooner was she seated than he took over, demanding control of their movements, rhythm, and pleasure. She moved with him, matching him, stroke for stroke. It could be said that Stephanie Plum truly was the Devil's equal. And then, the entire room erupted in fireworks as they came together, as the devil spurt hot, liquid fire into her, as the world lost all meaning and hell tilted on its axis.

When she was once more capable of speech, she finally told him: "If that's payment, I'll take ten Lamborghini's on credit, please."

**The moral of the story:**

"To truly live life, one must step out of the shadow of the Saint, grab the devil by his horns, and hang on for the ride."


End file.
